ilke

What gang is my baby in?




( more Luca Pic Spam... )

The baby is coming home today!

Yesterday, Luca found his suck. He even breastfed. We just got our walking papers and I'm so excited I can't stand it!

* huge effing grin *

*sigh*

We have to stay longer, until Luca gets better at eating and gains a little more weight. Very disappointed even though I know its for the best. Hopefully, we'll be home by Thursday.

Doesn't help that I'm highly emotional. I dropped a honey packet in my coffee this morning and broke down in tears in the cafeteria. I just want to go home. WITH my baby!

I think I may have pegged Luca wrong. I thought he would be a cranky, curmudgeony baby. But we were told tonight that he's the "angel" in the maternity ward. He only seems to cry when something being done to him, like being strapped into a car seat (a test they do on premies), getting poked and squeezed, or diaper changes. Other than that, he sleeps or just lays there and looks around.

Interestingly, but unrelated, they have 14 babies currently and ALL of them are boys.

( On to the Luca Pic Spam... )

All your wonderful thoughts and prayers worked!

Luca has been off the IV since 5am, and even though he's not that good at sucking (therefore eating), it looks like he'll be coming home tomorrow.

I'm ecstatic!

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

Hey guys! I need your help.

Luca is now just about 3 days old. He is sweet and beautiful and he is also struggling still with his blood sugars. I don't want to go into in-depth on the details at the moment. It's a little too much, ya know?

He's been on an IV since Tuesday, He wasn't keeping any food down yesterday so they've started to feel him through a tube down his throat. It's upsetting to watch of course, but necessary. Right now they need his blood sugars to stabilize before they can ween him off the IV. It's taking longer than they thought it would and this morning they will be calling in a neonatal specialist. There is a chance that he'll have to be transferred to another hospital and be in a Newborn Intensive Care Unit. I won't pretend that doesn't scare the shit out of me.

I'm getting discharged today, but Mr. Ilke and I will be allowed to stay at the hospital as "boarders". They couldn't make me leave!

Guys, this is really scary for me. I need your help with good thoughts, good vibes, visions of healthfulness and strength and anything that might help my little man get over this hump.

Thank you! I will keep you informed as I can.



This is a video of Luca as Mr. Ilke was taking pics and the camera light blinked at him.


Thank you!

I'm trying to say goodbye now. With everything happening, I've needed to step up my time scale. Less time to plan, less time to get accustomed to the idea that this baby will soon by on the outside. It's looking like I have about a week and half to go.

Thank you, softobsidian74 for including me in your candlelight wishes. It meant a lot to me. I've been increasingly feeling farther away from this community and it's been a little bit painful. I've not kept up on what is happening in everyone's lives and I know that many of my f-list are going through some really tough times. One thing I know for sure, This Too Shall Pass. And thank you too, to everyone who has supported me during this very scary part of my pregnancy. You have buoyed me and helped keep me going.

Despite all the frustration and scary events, I'm saying goodbye to pregnancy with no hard feelings and no regrets. Soon, this little guy will be here!

Oh, and I just made a massive 4 hour pampering appt at the spa for this weekend. Mama gunna get did up and rubbed down! :)

Love you guys!
Ilke

I'm now 35 weeks along. 5 to go until my due date. Thursday Mr. Ilke and I went to our weekly midwife appointment. Because of the Gestational Diabetes, I now often meet with the head of the clinic. She walked in and asked how I was. "I am SO ready to be done," I said without hesitation. Ten minutes later she said, "You're not going to like this, but you need to go to the hospital right now for 24 hour observation, tests, and you may be having your baby tonight."

Blink.

Blink.

Thirty minutes later laying in a hospital bed and staring out the window in shock, one thing became suddenly really clear. I'm not at all ready to be done. I've done my Hermionisms and researched my ass off. I know all the technical details. Breastfeeding. Check. Bathing. Check. Sleep. Check. Swaddling. Got it. But mentally and emotionally ready to have this baby 5 weeks early? Nuh-uh! I just kept thinking that I could have a baby in my arms by the next day. Nope. Not ready.

As akashathekitty said, I just can't catch a break. I've now developed pre-eclampsia on top of everything else. It's a bunch of things mainly characterized by sudden high blood pressure among other things. This one is decidedly scarier than the diabetes. I'm now on bed rest and have to keep my blood pressure as low as possible to avoid seizures and worse. The only "cure" is to deliver the baby. 

After 25 hours, my bp went down a tad and they let me go home. It was made very clear that it was unlikely that they'd let me go much longer. One and half weeks, maybe two. I'm really really hoping we can make it to 38 or even 39 weeks. That would rock so much. I'd also REALLY love to go into labor naturally and not have to be induced. I'm seriously going to try everything I can. All old wives' tales are fair game! 

Anyhow, I'm now trying to swtich my focus to staying relaxed and getting my mind and emotions ready to bring home a baby. Mr. Ilke is wholly focused on keeping me calm and healthy and getting the house ready. I hope he doesn't run himself into the ground, but he is like me, and it's more stressful to NOT be doing things that need to be done. Today I came to terms with the fact that I might have control issues. :) Everyone says to let others help out and do stuff for you, and I tried. I did. It was so so so hard to sit there and watch people do things in a totally inefficient and backwards way, not to mention trash numerous rooms in the house and break our garbage disposal. *sigh* But then other friends have been incredibly helpful and wonderful and they feel like such a blessing in my life.

And at least my mom isn't here trying to be "helpful."  That would surely make me nuts.

Our baby shower is tomorrow. I'm going to plop my ass down on the couch and stay there. Or try to. And not eat any of the (delicious, catered) food. Not even the wonderful special rosemary shortbread cookies I made as guest favors. Oh well. Our guests will love it all. Maybe I can freeze some of the food and have it after the lentil is born.

I read something this evening about saying goodbye to my pregnancy and it really resonated with me. In honor of saying goodbye, here are probably the last pregnancy pictures of me taken last weekend at the pumpkin patch with a pic that I posted back when I was only 13 weeks along (and even then clearly showing).

( IlkeBelly PicSpam )

I just went to GE's Top Ten section looking for Pansy's Volcano because I just can't take all the bad recs I'm coming across. I feel like I'm caught in a whirlpool of poor judgement and/or super pregnancy hormonal dissatisfaction. I decided I had to lay off the search for great H/Hr and go home. Dramione forever, bitches!

The point of my post, though, is that ACK! Claiming Hermione is at the TOP of the top ten Most Favorite Stories list. Well, FUCK if I don't feel flattered! I'm convinced it's mostly because of people wanting to be notified when it gets updated (they have that functionality, right?), but that's a total compliment in and of itself! Heap on the guilt for not working on it right now! *throws heaps of guilt that is suspiciously akin to cold oatmeal at herself*

Dudes. 6 weeks and 5 days to go. SIX. SHORT. LITTLE. TINY. OHMYGOD. WEEKS!  I totalled up the cost of everything on our registries just in case we get nothing from them and nearly had a heart attack: $4300! Take off the glider and the Wii that Mr. Ilkee insisted on putting on the list *rolls eyes* and it's still $3000. Yikes. This is why I am working my ass off now and not writing. Or at least thats the excuse I'm going with for now.

Miss you guys!

EDIT: D'oh! Just found out Pansy's Volcano is abandoned. Maybe I should just go to sleep. *pout*

fandom rant:

Possibly, this is my hormone-induced inner bitch coming out, I'm really annoyed with all the WIP and especially ABANDONED fic recs happening lately on my f-list communities. That's all I have to say about it.

I've been itching to read some REALLY, REALLY GOOD Harry/Hermione and I swear that ship needs some love. I think I've read everything worthwhile there, but I would soooo love to be wrong about that. 

My possibly impossible demands: I want ANGST and tons of UST and a least a smattering of smut mixed in!!! *sigh* Oh yeah, and I can't commit to an epic because I will loose too much sleep (unless it's really phenomenal), but a 1000 word one-shot isn't long enough to get going. WHINE BITCH COMPLAIN. Okay, I'll shut up. (And to anyone who suggests it: a) if I thought I could write a H/Hr, I might, b) if I had the time and chutzpah to write anything, I would work on Claiming Hermione.)

( 49 days or less to meeting the lentil... )

The diabetic diet isn't working to bring my blood sugar down. It's only been four days, but the numbers are pretty high so I called the doctor. Looks like I'll be going on medication immediately. Not insulin (unless this medication, Gliburide, doesn't work). *sigh*

It really wasn't bad at all. I thought it was going to be like when they take your blood from your fingertip at the dr.s office. But it wasn't at all like that.

However, the "what to eat" list and plans completely mystify me. Lots of small bits and right now I'm soooo hungry (I just ate). And I don't WANT vegetables or popcorn!  *pout*

The real bummer is the not being able to exercise. I was never a huge exerciser before getting knocked up, but I certainly did a lot of walking 1st and 2nd trimester. Now, I can't do anything and it's very clear that that is playing a huge role in this diabetes thing. *sigh* I have PT tomorrow and I will ask them what to do. Cause, I have to do something!

When did this all get so complicated?

OH YEAH... I didn't get a chance to reply to all the comments in my last post and I feel pretty bad about that. But now I feel like it's too late. I suck! Sorry guys. I really do appreciate all the love you give!

warning for mentions of blood if that bothers you...

Last night by 8pm I finished off a large burrito, a pear and a huge glass of milk in preparation for a 16 hour fast. Why on EARTH would a (very hungry all the time) pregnant woman fast? For the three-hour glucose test I had to take when I failed the standard 1-hour test for gestational diabetes. So, I sleep through 10 of the 16 hours and by the time the test rolls around, I'm thinking, "alright, this isn't so bad. I'm not *that* hungry..."

So, test procedures:
Take blood and test blood sugar after a night of fasting.
Make me drink the glucose.
Take blood again.
Draw blood once per hour for next three hours.
Find out if I have diabetes.

I had Mr. Ilke wait in the lobby (which is unusual) but he sometimes has issues with blood draws and I just didn't think I could deal with him passing out, unlikely though it would be. The lady draws blood. Sticks a little strip with a drop on it in a machine. Frowns. Makes up another strip and sticks it in the machine again. Frowns. Huh. Apparently, the results are way high - like the same as they were when I HAD drunk the glucose last test. She thinks that's weird. She says she'll be right back and leaves. *Ilke's lack of food and incredible sleepiness (not to mention hormones) start to get the better of her and mild panic begins, but she thinks, "you're over reacting ilke. chill"*

Lady comes back and takes more blood - from my finger tip this time. She's still frowning. She tells me again that she'll be right back. She's not sure what to do. I now REALLY need Mr. Ilke because I'm going to lose it. I'm behind this little curtain, desperate for someone to come in and check on me so I can ask them to get Mr. Ilke, but no one is coming - why would they? I get up and start to pace. Dude. I am totally freaking out. I went in KNOWING I wasn't going to pass, but I didn't think it would be so bad that I wouldn't even be able to take the test.

The lady comes back to tell me that she has to call my doctor. I ask if I can go get Mr. Ilke. I start crying in the (incredibly full) lobby. I gotta say, Mr. Ilke doesn't miss a beat. The man is calm and warm and comforting and I just want to curl up in him. In the little room with him, I totally break down. Luckily I mostly recover before the lady comes back. When she does, she's totally unprepared to see a red-faces, watery-eyed patient.

Anyway, the test is cancelled and yes, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Boo!

Implications of diabetes while pregnant: The baby will be predisposed to diabetes. The baby is also at risk to be born too early. And generally babies born to diabetic mothers are big, big babies. Sometimes too big to come out vaginally, sometimes too big to be carried to full-term. Sometimes everything is just fine.

Okay, diabetes isn't the end of the world. I'm betting I can deal with change in diet. It will be very hard, but I can do it. What I need to do, and CAN'T, is exercise. It's an important part of dealing with diabetes. Me? I'm nearly prescribed bed rest for the pelvic bone problem. What kind of fucked up double edged sword is THAT?

An update on the bones, since I broght it up. Actually, it's getting better. The pain is constant, but it's much less than it was and it's mostly managable. Physical Therapy is totally weird. An exhausting two hours where I do practically nothing but work on holding still. Strange stuff. But it seems to be working.

Well, folks, my pregnancy has officially become "complicated" as in "pregnancy complications". 9 weeks to go. Give or take a couple.

Childbirth class and meeting a potential doula this weekend - that's happy. Oh, and we FINALLY finished the baby registry. THAT is hard work!

AND, Mr. Ilke has his permit and has been practicing like crazy. He's doing very well, if I say so myself. Which I do.

((((( love to my f-list )))))

i carry your heart with me                                      
by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                    i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


------

oh it has really been too long for one of those, but I came across some friends performing it to music at a 60th wedding anniversary and, well, I was moved to share. If you'd like to hear it with some lovely music (and a lot of strangers) it's here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A94y7v7NFi0&feature=player_embedded

ENJOY!

angeldancing just posted this Dr. Horrible-esque Dramione video on dramione and it TOTALLY ROCKS!

from post:



WATCH IT!!

(fake cut to dramione)

We're now the proud owners of a 2009 Subaru Outback. We're now going out to get gelato. Next week we'll break it in with a 3000 mile trip to California.

I'm so excited, but mostly, after almost 2 years of being carless, I just feel like, "FINALLY!" Now Mr. Ilke has to learn to drive. O.o

(Sorry if I scared you on the baby thing. We've got three months to do on that one.)

Before I go there, though... I wanted to give a hug hug to my entire f-list. Your love and support meant a great deal to me in dealing with my bone problems. My mental attitude is so much better now - more calm and stable, and the therapy and everything is helping. It's still hurts, but not as excrutiatingly. Much more manageable. Thank you all so much! I know I didn't get to responding to everyone towards the end, because I was still feeling very fragile, but know that I took to heart every single one of your words of encouragement.

THANK YOU!

......................................

Well, I think we may have found a car.

Yesterday, taking advantage of the rental car we had and some time to kill, we made our first visit to a car dealership. A Subaru dealership. The 2010's suck - they made the Outback WAY bigger and now it's a behemouth. But we weren't looking for a 2010. We were hoping for a 2006-2008 with low mileage (under 40k). We were also hoping for something in the $12,000 range even though we knew that would be close to impossible.

But hey, I've never even been in a subaru. I felt like I needed it to give it a whirl before I committed fully to it being my dream car (as it was in my head). We test drove a 2007 for $19,990 with 20k miles on it. I remarked that I was surprised that it was only $1-2,000 less than two of the 2009's they had on their lot. The guy didn't give me any real good answer for that, other than it has some heating things that would be good if we lived in Minnesota (heated side-view mirrors, for instance).

Anyway, we took the 2007 for a spin, assuming it was WAY out of our price range. OMG! It was so lovely!!! It handled so so so wonderfully, had really nice pick-up, braking, etc. <3 So, I let the sales guy talk me into sitting down and going over financing. Now, I'm a tough cookie. I knew there was no way in hell we'd be walking off the lot with this car. But I figured it couldn't hurt to know where we were at.

First, I told them that the car was too much. Way too much. So they knocked off $1000. Meh. Thanks. It's a certified pre-owned car with only one other owner. They have a fantastic warranty - 6 years, 100,000 miles (we'd get to the 6 years before the 100k miles).

Then, I asked what interest rate they could give us. I knew from my research that the credit union loan we were hoping for was around 10%, and my idea about car dealerships is more in the 18% range. Wrong. He came back with 4.49% even with the dings we currently have on our credit. (Lets not talk about those).

So the monthly payments are around $250 for 72 months with $3000 down (we had intended to put $5000 down, but he doesn't need to know that yet). Well, I don't know why, but I was surprised. I was aiming for monthly payments of $200 and this wasn't that far off (for the same # of months).

So.... it got me thinking....

Well, what about that 2009 that's only $1000 more and has the same mileage? I told them I wanted the 2009 for the same discounted price as the 2007 ($18,990). Heh heh heh. They're going to have to ask the owner of the company and I'll know today.

The 2009 has some added benefits. Let's start with the fact that it's practically brand new. One owner - the Montana DMV (which leads me to believe it's been well maintained). The 6 year warranty starts from the birth of the vehicle, so being a 2009, we'd have 2 more years than the 2007. It doesn't have tinted windows (which I hate and the 2007 has). And... well, shit. I dunno. It seems like a good deal to me.

I'd never do the 2007 at 18990 because I know I can get a better deal, but the 2009 - not so much. I looked last night and couldn't find even one that was less than $23,000.

Now I am agonizing over should we or shouldn't we. AGONY!!!!

(This is it! Color and all!)

So....I'm having a tough time. In the last couple weeks, I've increasingly lost more and more mobility. Strange thing - you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

My bones actually are splitting. It's not at all normal for pregnant women. I couldn't even find mention of it in any of my books which talk about the most unlikely things. After an excrutiating night trying to sleep (not to mention the days before hand), I called the midwife.

Yes, she said, your pelvis IS separating. Some women who have to use a walker after giving birth. < silence from me > And you've got a long ways to go before you're due. We need to get you into physical therapy right away. Like, Monday. < more silence as I'm trying not to start sobbing > This weekend, I want you to take tylenol twice a day and rest. < okay > And, by rest, I mean, laying down. Sitting actually makes it worse. So, you need to stay in bed, or the couch. <silence as my worst fears are coming true > The grande finales: No, you can't go to yoga. Yes, you have to wear the super hero belt even if it hurts.

Mr. Ilke has to help me get dressed, get out of the car, get anything and everything for me while I watch helplessly. Seriously, it's mierable. And it hurts. A lot. I've spent many hours in tears lately. Mr. Ilke helped put it in perspective a bit: his mother had a rare disease and her pregnancy had a very good chance of killing her. So yeah, it could be worse.

I also had a total melt down in yoga last week. My mom has been driving me crazy with shower stuff and baby stuff and I started to share about it in yoga. I cried. I figured it would be okay - I've seen someone else cry before. Ten minutes later, we started getting centered and breathing. Or at least, that's what everyone else was doing. I was trying not to breathe too loud and give away my sobbing. I had to leave the class. I left my mat, got my phone and called Mr. Ilke to come get me (all 10 blocks from my house). But I was in bad shape. Got home and slept hard. I still need to get my mat. *sigh*

So, yeah, I'm having a tough time. I'm pretty tired. Going to bed.
 

vashka_kat  just posted the Wicked Game video by Chris Issaks, and man.....

I really miss writing.

Two things are in my way:

1. Baby Brain. It's really hard for me to focus on anything other than having a baby. I manage to focus on work, but that is out of necessity. Granted, having a baby is undoubtedly the second most important thing I've ever done. "Second?", you ask? Yes. Getting clean & sober (15 years ago) will always be the most important thing because it opened the door to the rest of my life. But we've talked about that before...

2. Work. For one, we need the money. Being self-employed means you don't get maternity leave or paid vacation, etc. Luckily, my two companies are keeping me uber busy. I did say that I wouldn't accept any more work if offered (because I am full-up!) but I failed. I've never thought of myself as having a problem saying no, but I may have to rethink that. So, I'm still working my ass off and from the looks of it, will be right up until November.

Is it at all realistic that I'll be able to/want to write in the first few months after the baby is born?

Either way, Wicked Game is going on my CH playlist. How perfect is it for CH?
"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way. What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you."

Oh, Draco...